Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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