can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
