ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
