Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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