Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
