I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
