: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
