some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
