Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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