I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
