I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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