Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
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When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
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It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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