Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
