I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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