I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
