We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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