thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
