There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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