I feel great
I just peed on a car
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
