Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
