I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
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Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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