I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
there's paper in my vomit.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
