he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize