and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
