I accidentally burped into my bong.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
