I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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