I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
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i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
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My day in three words: secret purse cake
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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