I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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