Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i think my tv is drunk
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
