it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
She announced her abortion via fbk
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
