I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
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he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
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There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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