mondays should just be called national damage control day
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
