the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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