did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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