He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
