He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
