first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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