Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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