Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Still dying that you shit outside
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
