how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
