I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
