do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
