i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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