Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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