What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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