So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Oh god it's open bar.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
