i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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