peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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