Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
