last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
