New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
