Im at strip club and am horny
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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