Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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