dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
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Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
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I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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