If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
