Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
