I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
