I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
