i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
