Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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