Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
